My Mother

I never knew I have a mother until the age of 4 when the accident happened. At least that was what I could remember ...

I was brought up by my maternal grandma since I was a little baby. My parents were too young then. My mother was 17 year old when she gave birth to me. My dad was 21.

I remembered my paternal grandma doted on me a lot. She would carry me and run around the house. I seems to have good memory on my childhood. I do not know why. Perhaps the happy memory was short therefore Buddha has given me the incredible memory for that short happy moments.

Somehow, my paternal grandma passed away when I was 3. I was very sad. I cried when I knew she is no longer around. I knew I will miss her. I miss her hug. I miss her kiss. I seldom get to see her when I was a child. I was staying with my maternal grandma then. From then on, no one hug me anymore. No one kiss me. I was 3 year old but I knew many things.

I never have an impression on how my mother loved me. She never did. We were not fated to be mother and child.

My left eye was blind on one cloudy night.

I was playing "Monkey" with my aunties and uncles. They were my mum's brothers and sisters.

I remember that fatal knock.My 5th Aunt, Esther hit my left eye through her right elbow. I was in pain. It was very painful. It was like thousands of people punching my eye.

My tears keep on flowing. I cannot stop. No one understood. I was put to sleep on that night even though I was in pain.

Next morning, I could not open my eyes anymore.

I was not sent to the hospital. Instead my maternal grandpa and grandma brought me to see the Chinese Sinseh. They dared not tell my mum or dad about this incident.

After 2 weeks, the Chinese Sinseh told them to bring me to Hospital as there was no recovery.

I knew my left eye was blind.

I could not see anything.

It was in total darkness.

Hundreds of injections pierced through my left eyes hoping for a miracle at Alexandra Hospital but to no avail.

I gave up hopes. My mum gave up hopes. Everyone gave up hopes.

I was a rejected child from that day onwards. I never knew what is Love. I started missing my paternal Ah Ma.

Strangely, I often dreamed of her ever since. Whenever I felt sad after being bullied or beaten by my mum, she will appeared beside my bed consoling me. She will cry and she will say, "My poor child..." I will cry when I see her. I wanted to hug her but she never allow. She will touch my hands with her cold hands and I could sense tears dripping down her cheeks. I knew she was dead but I was still happy to see her in my dreams.

It could be my imagination but that was so real.

I started staying with my dad and mum when I reached the age of 5. Kindergarten age.

My dad and mum never on good terms when they were having me staying with them at Teban Garden Flat. They always quarrelled. They fought over money, over sex and over me. My dad will blame my mum on my blindness and my mum will hate me for causing the trouble. I could not sleep at night. I was scared. I was scared of their shoutings and screaming. I will cover myself up to my head with blankets. I will shiver and I will sweat a lot.

My mum will command me to go to their bedroom and stood there after each of their quarrel. I will pretend to sleep. My mum will drag me out of my bed and stood at their door while they sat on their bed.

My mum will tell me to go and die. She hates me. She told me she will look after my younger brother but not me. She said my dad also abandon me. I have nowhere to go. She said the only way is to go up 14th storey and jump down. I was scared. I dared not move. I started peeing. This happened many times. I thought I was going mad with all these stress.

I told my paternal grandpa about this and he said, if no one wants me, he wants me. He will keep me by his side. I was very touched. Later, he asked my mum about this and my mum told him I lied. I was beaten by my mum for disclosing all these to 3rd party. I started keeping quiet about all these ill treatment. I knew no one loved me. I have no one to turn to. My paternal grandpa passed away this year, March. I was overseas. I was sad. I saw his spirit at my Hotel room. I knew he passed away. For nearly 10 years, I never spoke to him as I moved out from the horrible house without love. He nver will understand how I felt. I believed he knew all when he passed away. Dead people knows everything...

Thanks to my mum's continuous beating and threatening, people started bullying me. My 3rd Aunt even sexually assaulted me when I was 6 year old.

She was in Secondary 3. She was from Nanyang Girls. I remembered the uniform. It was a nghtmare. She came back from school one day. She asked me to to the room with her. She stripped off my clothes and asked me to lie on the bed. She took off her school uniform and lied beside me. She guided my hand to touch her cunts. I was scared. I did not know what I was doing. She wanted me to tickle her cunts. She touched me too. I was scared. I felt dirty.

She warned me not to tell anyone about this and if I did, she will tell my dad and mum to beat me as she knew my mum always beat me for no reasons.

I dared not tell anyone I was sexually abused.

I hate my mum. I hate many people. My childhood was ruined.

Mum, why can't you show a little care, love and concern for me?

Am I not borned from you?

Mum, why must you hate me? Why must you make me hate you?